after the rain

I visited Suseran’s mind and this is what it said

I stare blankly at the screen, what to type? I’ve been here for hours, trying to pen the perfect letter, trying to correctly capture my feelings, my hurt, my disgust, my femininity. So emotionally ravaged, so hypersensitive, so unmanly like I am. I complain because I cannot act, I cannot defend myself, I cannot take matters into my own hand. I’m so useless that I allow 13 year olds assault me. I’m so bored that I sit down and count the number of times I had black out. I teach because I cannot function outside of theory. I am Suseran.   

The Thing

This huge dark cloud hung like a looming monster patiently waiting to devour me. The wind that blew seemed like the breath of this great beast, it occurred in gusts and at intervals. I wouldn’t have been surprised if a hand reached out of that thing and splatted my ass into the ground.

Nag nag

“Many things were never spoken of in the open

Many things were left unsaid

Words were never wasted

In fact words were rather rare

 

Do you expect me to read your mind?

Do you think I understand your actions?

Do I intimidate you?

Your silence speaks volumes

 

Your stare chills me like an iceberg

Stinging and sharp it cuts like a knife

I know you are displeased for some reason

Your silence just make it worse”

 

With my icy stare making its impact

I drew a small breath and began

I don’t need you to understand and figure me out

I need you to let me be a man

 

 

Cold, Dark Waters

Don’t you want to submerse yourself in the cold dark waters of this stream? The feel of sand under your feet, the sound of the birds making melodies above you, the jab of a tilapia as it brushes against your body, the sound of the wind intermingled the sound of the stream creating an almost hypnotic and soothing vibration. Its your fairy tale, indulge yourself.

Wild Country

Would make for a nice wall paper. I love nature, I love taking in these scenes. I photograph what many of you may never see in person. For those who yearn to breathe fresh air, to see animals in their natural environment, to touch the cool dark waters of a meandering stream, to gaze at the sky without the distraction of city lights. Come and join me. Escape the concrete jungles of your mundane life, join me in an adventure as I venture into the wild country of Guyana.

Top of the World

 

I’m on top of the world, looking down on creation and the only explanation I can find; is the love that I’ve found ever since you’ve been around, your love put on top of the world. What a feeling of awesomeness!

Raptus

I have your turtle. I can bring it in town tomorrow and hand it over after I receive my payment which is to be discussed when we meet up…..depending on your appearance .

Email contact number to blader2000@gmail.com.

Every day I wake up

Every day I wake up

Then I start to break up

Lonely the man without  love

Every day I start out

Then I cry my heart out

Lonely the man without love

Everytime I hear this song I feel ripped apart. My father used to play this song by Englebert Humperdink (or something like that) when I was small. He usually listened to Charlie Pride, Jim Reeves, EH and or country singers. He was never a fan of indian music and I grew up listening to these oldies. My father died suddenly a few years ago and it came as a shock to us all. I was given strength by God to get through that period and it seemed to me that I was enclosed in some sort of capsule that protected me from the pain.

He seem a distant memory now, but he is always there, people remind me of him ever so often. “Oh you look like your father”, “me and your father were friends”, or something or the other. I would force a smile, say ok and move on. This song was one of my father’s favourite and he would sing along whenever he plays it……most times when he’s a bit high.

I heard it the other night and the minor melancholic melody just brought back memories I tried to hide from. I am not supposed to feel vulnerable, I am not supposed to hurt like that. I am the ironman, cruel, stoic, full of vengeful rage. I am the loose cannon, the upstart, the one many are afraid of.

I hate that song!

I am

The darkness surround me in the cold dew-filled night. The stars all twinkle faintly barely piercing the foggy mist settling in front of me as I lay there under them on the cold grass, now my bed for the time. Pondering, self examining, planning the next forty years of my life.

The cold winds warp around me like a think unwelcomed blanket making the hairs on my skin stand up. Goosebumps appear and burst forth like waves rushing over the boulders placed as barriers against the roaring ocean. In the coldness I feel the warmth, slowly rising like the petals of a flower opening under the first glimpse of the morning sun.

I think of many things, things I did, things I didn’t do, things I should have done, things I should do again. The questions, the uncertaintities, the guilty feelings, the wrong decisions, the fearful choices, the loss of control, the loss of myself.

A time of unforgiveness had appeared, like a thief in the night. It tells me, you are wrong, it was your fault, you are a failure no matter what, you’d be better off dead, you are a waste of space a burden on the planet , an insignificant speck of dust on this land, you serve no purpose.

I open my eyes, I carve my own destiny, I walk the lonely road, I survive the fall, I am what I believe. Therefore I am.